Wednesday, June 13, 2012
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I have a suggestion. Well, no, a recommendation for when you fight. Move close together. Hold hands even. Yes, it is unnerving.
If you think there is a threat of physical violence, then by all means, stay far apart, and really take a look at why you are even remaining in the relationship. Domestic violence does not have to be one of those dirty little secrets. You just need to be honest with each other and all of your close friends and family members. Do not connive with each other to keep it a secret. If there is any hope, the sooner you get the violence out in the open, the better chance of your relationship getting the healing it deserves. All relationships have their dirty little secrets. The less a secret the dirty little secret is, the less power it has over your relationship. Do not hold secrets FOR ANY REASON.
So back to fighting. When you fight, remain engaged. Keep eye contact. Stay focused on the issue at hand. When there are feelings and needs getting expressed, catch yourselves when you try to shift the focus from your feelings and needs to some criticism of each other or whose way of making the bed, doing the dishes, keeping the garage clean is the best. We do that kind of weird sh*t, don’t we?
When you fight, above all else, END THE FIGHT. Too many fights never end. You make a temporary truce and start again at a later date. NO GOOD. OINK OINK OINK. BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ. End the fight. If need be, ask the question, “Did we end the fight?”
If the answer is No, the fight is not over, then you want to talk and talk fast, so to speak, to move the conflict to a place where it is over. Come to some agreement with each other. You ARE intelligent enough to do this. Come to some agreement about what it means that a fight has ended. And once it is ended, you cannot go back. The fight is over. No temporary truce, no demilitarized zones. The fight is over.
And if you cannot let a fight be over, wow, there is some good stuff for therapy. Make an appointment NOW!
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