Wednesday, July 11, 2012

THE FIFTY FIFTY




We so often talk about doing our part or our half.  We are often willing to take fifty percent responsibility for what goes on in our relationship.  I call this "dancing the fifty fifty."

There is nothing wrong with fifty-fifty.  In fact, it makes a great ice cream bar!  But it is just that.  Fifty-fifty.  It’s pretty difficult to maintain and virtually impossible to find an objective tool to measure fifty-fifty.  I’ve looked in all the major hardware and home stores.  They don’t sell such a tool.  The salespeople just laugh at me.

What’s worse is you never get to experience the other person in his or her wholeness.  You only get half of them, and sometimes the half you get ain’t very pretty or nice!
 

That’s why we are talking about FOLDING and DANCING instead of blending! We want to dance with all of our partner, not just a piece!  (Final Chapter, page 161).

So what do you think?  There's more to this chapter and you can purchase your very own copy on AMAZON or BARNES AND NOBLE.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

FULLNESS






Experiencing interdependence or intimacy is a fullness.  We are filled with a desire to put our best foot forward whether or not our partner reciprocates, full of the awareness that we both have good days and bad days, full of the awareness that a bad hair day is nothing personal, full of the awareness that crabiness and complaints are just that, complaints and crabiness, again nothing personal.  Full of the freedom to move beyond my self and my fears of change into the realm of the US.  Full of the freedom to give each other maximum freedom to dance the entire dance to the fullest.   (Page 166,  final chapter)

So are you willing to put your best foot forward even if your partner does not reciprocate?  Are you willing to create fullness in your relationship even if your partner is not willing to dance the fifty fifty?   (And actually, we will learn in tomorrow's post, that you can't dance the fifty fifty anyhow!  It doesn't work.)

It is often scary to even consider making decisions to create something in the relationship that either you predict your partner will not reciprocate or perhaps your partner has just outright told you he or she will not reciprocate.

However, it is often in making this decision to carry your weight, to do your dance, that triggers the desire in the other to reciprocate.  So nothing to lose, really.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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Monday, July 9, 2012

INTERDEPENDENCE OR INTIMACY EQUALS FREEDOM



Eperiencing interdependence or intimacy is freedom.  We are free of defensiveness, free of the  fear of getting into trouble, free of making sure that we get in the first punch, free of having to win, free of all the negative images of ourselves that perhaps were once placed upon us by others, but in the mean time, we have adopted hook line and sinker, free of the fear of our partner leaving or abandoning us, free of the need to prove ourselves, free of the fear of losing my self in the relationship, and free of the fear of change.  In this part of the dance, I am free to let go of my  need to see reality only through my logical eyes or only through my emotional eyes.  I am free to let myself move into experiencing reality more through my partner’s eyes.  (Page 167, final chapter)

So when we are free to experience reality through our partner’s eyes, it does not mean that we give up our experience through out own eyes, but we are free to took through both sets of eyes, much like looking through binoculars rather than a telescope.  Looking at reality through both sets of eyes gives us, not just a two dimensional perspective, but a three dimensional perspective.  We are back to the “more” that we create as a couple in all elements of the relationship.

The fancy term for this is the principle of summativity.  So when two individuals bring all of whom they are to the relationship, they end up creating a oneness that is beyond, that is more, beyond and more than the sum of the two individuals together.  For me, that more is divine, and when we are willing to create that more, we answer God’s beckoning call to be not just a part of God, but one with God.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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Sunday, July 8, 2012

LAUGHING AND LAUGHING SOME MORE


So don't know if this guy is laughing or just going crazy over something, but everyone who sees him is laughing.  That's quite an expression on his face!

So who said you can't cry over spilled milk?  Well, if you can't, you can at least LAUGH over spilled milk.  

Interestingly enough, the Greeks thought that “humor” was a kind of bodily fluid that influenced our personality type.  There were four humors: phlegm, blood, and yellow and black bile.
 
I like the notion that humor has something to do with body fluids!  When we laugh, we get things moving in our body.  It often stirs up phlegm and if we laugh too long or too hard, we might start coughing.  Laughing is the same chest movement as crying, so the longer we laugh, we will eventually begin to tear and cry.  Sometimes we laugh so hard, we fart or even pee our pants!
 
So laughter is the way through defenses, rigidity, walls, road blocks, withholding, and even being in the cave and refusing to come out.  Humor is a way to mix all of our bodily fluids into a life giving mixture of joy instead of depression, anger, resentment, and disgust. (Chapter 18, page 133).

So for crying out loud, don't take life so so seriously.  Lose your grip and laugh!

Laughing together is one way of coming back together after we have created distance in the relationship by taking everything so seriously and so personally.  Laughing is the way into crying when we need to cry and crying is the way into laughter when we need to laugh.

So if there hasn't been much laughter lately, rent a funny video, and laugh together.  Or start a fart fest or some other stupid, disgusting, and funny activity.  See who can make the best sound using your hand under your arm.  You know that stupid thing junior high kids do.  Get a woophy cushion and have a blast imitating famous people giving one of their famous speeches with a loud fart at the climax.  

LAUGHTER will generate endorphins and many other healing humors for your brain.

What do you think?

TODAY IS AS GOOD A DAY AS ANY TO ORDER YOUR PERSONAL COPY.
 

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Saturday, July 7, 2012

TWO EQUAL AND OPPOSITE FORCES



So what does it mean that we are a couple?

I found one particularly interesting definition in the dictionary.  Something joined by two equal and opposite forces that act along parallel lines.  Sounds like subatomic theory, but I think that describes a couple pretty well.  Two equal, yes equal.  Two opposite forces.  Yes opposites.  That act along parallel lines.  You know, like a railroad track.  Yes.

Some of us get very hung up with Scripture which seems to imply in several places that the man is a little above the woman.  Some folks like to say the man is the head and the woman is the heart.  Thank God, my head and heart don’t squabble about this Scripture.  It would really mess me up.  “Hey, you, get over yourself.  I’m the heart here.”  “No, you get over yourself.  I’m the brains of this deal.”

Men have just as much heart as women and women have just as many brains as men.  We have really distorted the wonders of God’s creation by assigning gender to head and heart.

So let’s struggle with the definition.  We are equal and opposites.  So we are going to tug with one another.  We might even disagree and fight.  Wow!  Imagine that!  But we act along parallel lines.  The railroad tracks must remain parallel.  One rail cannot place itself above or below the other without derailing the train.  So as much as we may never become one, we are a ONE in a very unique way.  God was really creating something pretty awesome here.   

And, as a couple, we always bring the best out in eachother.  So my rail supports your rail if we are going to remain a track, a couple.  And I have to trust that your rail will always have my rail’s best interest at heart.  And I have to believe that you do what you do for a good reason.  So sometimes I may not agree with you, but I don’t take it personal and I continue to travel alongside of you so we can remain a couple.

So what do you think?

Need some support in exploring who you are as a couple.  Well, that support is only a click away.
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Friday, July 6, 2012

JUST CAN'T JUMP ANY HIGHER?



 “We’re just very unhappy....I’m miserable.  I just don’t want to go on like this....we just don’t get along....not sure why we ever got together.  It seemed like there was something there....we either don’t talk at all or we fight and we fight about EVERYTHING....but you start it....and you do a pretty good job of finishing it....you got to be right about everything.  You just can’t let something go....you keep bringing up sh-t that happened years ago....it’s just too painful to keep going on like this....”   (Page eight).

Does this sound familiar?  Of course it does.  It is a place that perhaps is inevitable to get to.  Even the most experienced hiker or mountain climber or marathon runner can hit a wall and wonder, "what was I (we) thinking of?"

So you have many options at this point.  One thing for sure, we can stop trying to jump higher.

We can stop trying to make the other person happy and begin taking responsibility for our own happiness.  That doesn't mean we have to abandon our partner, and not care about our partner's happiness, but we become clear what our place is in our partner's life.  Our partner is responsible for his or her happiness.

There is always an option to "opt out."  It is true that sometimes we reach a point of "terrible" clarity.  Our relationship was perhaps doomed from the start.  We chose to engage for all the "wrong" reasons.  The toxicity we each bring to the relationship makes it impossible for a healthy relationship to develop and then grow.  It's not about either one of us being bad people.  It's about the crap we bring to the relationship which we are each responsible for sorting out, healing, and in some cases taking to the local dump to be discarded and buried.

But even in this case, sometimes there is something inside of us that drives us to stay together for all the right reasons.

Whatever wall we find ourselves at, something has to happen, something has to give.  At rock bottom, we each need to make a decision to grow up and be the grown up individuals that we are, which will entail letting go of a lot of pain, a lot of history, a lot of blame, and begin a healing journey together.  By letting go, I do not mean to just forget or bury or pretend it never happened.  It is more a weaving process, weaving into the fabric of my life and weaving into the fabric of our relationship all the lose threads, the snags, and the broken threads.

It is a doable journey, quite doable.  There are a lot of resources out there including this book.

So check it out.  On the book's website, you can actually download sample chapters from the book to see just how helpful it will be for your journey.  In the meantime, breathe again.  Your life is not over.  Your relationship is not over.  It may be over as you have experienced it up to this point, but that is probably a good thing, a relief.  It was killing both of you and it doesn't have to do that any longer.

In some ways, the book is a cook book.  So Bon Appetite.

The book is available on AMAZON and BARNES AND NOBLE.

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Thanks for reading, commenting, and investing in your relationship.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

DOOR NUMBER ONE, TWO, OR THREE?


Those who find themselves stuck in their relationship but are not willing to throw in the towel, can be categorized into three groups.  I know, I hate categories as well.  But sometimes it makes a point a little easier to grasp.

So I see us couples in three different groups. Some of us are FIGHTERS, some of us are in PREARRANGED MARRIAGES, and some of us are just STUCK.

Now, these groups do NOT appear to be in any way mutually exclusive–just like all those “silly” symptoms.  As you read on about the different groups, I can hear some of you saying that you, in fact, have “membership” in all three!   You insist upon not getting left out of any category!  Some of you will insist that you are in only one group or the other, and some of you will insist that you fit into none of them.  You are a couple all unto yourself, like no other!  Ironically, that is the third category!


Obviously all of us are STUCK.  We are not able to move forward and be in the relationship we so desperately want.  But the couples who fall into the STUCK category are really stuck, particularly because they see themselves as so different from everyone else.  They live in NO COUPLES LAND!  (Page nine)


Chapter Three of the book covers the three groups in detail.  Here we will just scratch the surface, give you a taste.

The first group, THE FIGHTERS, typically are not physically abusive.  But they are hell-bent on winning whenever conflict arises.  Just the thought of losing an argument drives them insane.  The conundrum is simple.  You be the winner all the time, and basically your partner is a looser.  You hardly want that, do you?  Or do you?

Then there are those of you who are in PREARRANGED MARRIAGES.  Many of us are in prearranged marriages and we don't even know it.  But the prearrangement of the marriage makes it impossible for us to grow where we want the relationship to take us.

Some of us believe our marriage was made in heaven.  Well, that's as prearranged as you can get, and it is an awful experience when the relationship comes crashing down to earth.

Some of us are in prearranged marriages that were made in dot com heaven.  There you are at the click of my mouse.  My dream partner, Cinderella and Prince Charming.

Some of us simply believe we were meant for each other, and that also is prearranged somewhere in the big universe.

Now prearranged marriages are awesome.  You just have to make room for the imperfection of the perfect match.

And then there is the STUCK GROUP.  You desperately want to stay together, but for whatever reason you don't believe anyone or anything can support you staying together.  As much as you want to stay together, you believe somewhere in your narcissistic hearts that you are doomed.  I know, weird, but some of you can relate.  We can all relate on some level and at any given moment in time.

So check out Chapter Three.  You can get your own copy of the book on AMAZON or BARNES & NOBLE .




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Thanks for reading, commenting, and investing in your relationship.

Bon Appetite!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE






In our "little" town of Yucaipa, there are fireworks shows every night for the Wow-ing.
Okay, here's the deal.  I just didn't have a good picture of fireworks, so why not the sun?

So what does it mean, in the context of our relationship, to declare one's independence?  Well, it does mean something very important as long as one's independence is part of the bigger picture and the entire dance.

In the last chapter of the book, "Know There Is A Dance," we look at all four movements or elements of an essential dance.  Independence is only one of the four.  Without integrating your independence into the other three movements of the dance, independence remains just that.  Independence.  So why be in a relationship if that is all you want?   I mean, how much fun can it be to dance with yourself if you have the option of experiencing dancing with a partner?

When our independence is recognized as one ingredient, the others being codependence, counterdependence, and interdependence,  our independence can contribute rich and unique flavors and movements to the relationship dance.

When each person brings their independence to the dance floor, they create a work of art that goes beyond the sum of their independence.  They create something more, something undefinable.  And in experiencing the more, they can experience the lush soothing of codependence, the raucous tugging of counterdependence, the exquisiteness of independence, and the elegant magical flow of interdependence.

So for heaven's sake declare your independence.  It's Fourth of July, for crying out loud, for heaven's sake, after all!  But don't make such a declaration to the exclusion of the other elements of the dance.

Otherwise, you will be dancing alone.  And so what's the point?


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Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I AM SO EXCITED



 So Dora tells Bill, "I am so excited about my new job I think I am going to throw up."

So Bill says nothing but the next day he says to Fred, his long-time friend, "What's with women?  She said she was so excited about the new job, she thought she was going to throw up."

At that moment, a blush comes over Bill's face, and he hopes desperately that Fred doesn't notice.  He is remembering his first date with Dora.  He was so excited (nervous) that he thought he was going to throw up.  He took Dora to his favorite Chinese restaurant, but had a hard time eating and then after dinner, he was full of gas and became doubly nervous that he would not be able to control really awful farts which were pushing really hard to get out, and holding them in became excruciating.

So now Bill remembers and knows exactly what Dora is experiencing.  He regrets not saying something to her last night, but his regret quickly shifts, shifts back behind his intense need to be the man, to be all calm, in control, emotionless, and Fred doesn't help.  "Well, you gotta know by now how women are.  They're all into their emotions, you know, hormones and cycles and they just get all weird about the damnedest things."

Too embarrassed to tell Fred that he understands Dora, he just says, "Yeah, I don't know why I forget that women are that way, and she's always been that way, come to think of it."

And now the shame sets in.  He betrays his wife by saying that she is like all the other weird women in the world.  Throughout the rest of the day, he wonders if he will have what it takes to share with Dora that he gets it and that he's sorry he didn't let her know how much he gets it last night.

And sure enough, when the time comes, Bill acts all cool and simply says, "So how was your first day at the new job?"  And Dora gets it.  She senses Bill's neutral zone, so she simply says, "Oh fine.  I got over my nervousness really quickly."

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

 So want some support in exploring your emotional differences or emotional SIMILARITIES?
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Monday, July 2, 2012

YOU'RE CHEATING YOUR PARTNER



So what is holding you back from actually being all growed-up in the relationship?  I mean the fact is YOU ARE GROWED-UP.  You are not a kid.  You don’t look like a kid as young as you may appear.  Yes, you are gorgeous, handsome, ready to be on the cover of ....

It is bad enough that you are cheating yourself here by remaining a kid in the relationship.  Worse, you are cheating your spouse out of a healthy relationship, feeding into his or her being satisfied with being in control.  That’s not good for your spouse.  It does not allow them to receive anything from you.  Only allows them to take.  That is ultimately not good for them and definitely not for you.

When you catch yourself feeling as if you are about to get into trouble, take note. Then remind yourself that you can’t get into trouble anymore.  Your partner may not understand a particular choice you are making, but if there are no intended purposeful painful consequences to your partner, then it is important to learn how to proceed with your decision.  The fact of the matter is you are an adult, and at times you will make decisions that other adults do not understand or agree with.

For example, you may decide to go to the gym several days a week for your health.  Your partner may feel angry that you “get” to go to the gym or jealous that you are spending time for yourself outside the relationship.  If, in fact, the two of you have so little time together that your relationship is suffering, you do not want to be flippant and simply say, “screw you, I’m going to the gym!”  But neither do you want to back away from your plan to improve your health out of fear of your partner being upset with you.  There is obviously a need for some conversation here to figure out a way to mutually invest more time in the relationship.  And it is true that where there is a will, there is always a way!

So one more time.  Let’s say it out loud together.  I AM ALL GROWED-UP AND CAN’T GET INTO TROUBLE ANYMORE.  Now say out loud how old you actually are.  Let that reality sink in until you feel that grown-up and that mature.  And feel proud of your age! (Page 33).

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