Is there a lot of blaming in your relationship? Are you tired of being blamed? Do you use blaming to one-up your partner? Has blaming ever worked for you? Has it accomplished anything other than you feeling self righteous or justified? Or your partner feeling nothing but a sense of hopelessness and devastation?
Some of us grew up in families where the saying, Poop Happens, never applied. Mom or Dad or both always found someone to blame for whatever went wrong. There was no such thing as an accident. Your mistakes or failures became definitions of who you are, for example, a goof ball, an idiot, lame brain, and so on. Such an upbringing can be good preparation and training for being the perennial martyr or the person who is ALWAYS on the defensive and does any and everything to avoid being wrong or feeling guilty, including blaming.
Sometimes, such an experience growing up can leave us incapable of apologizing. It is too painful to simply say “I’m sorry” because it triggers overwhelming humiliation and smallness. Or we apologize for everything even what we are absolutely not responsible for, for example, it raining on your anniversary or birthday.
The bottom line is blaming, for whatever good or bad reason we use it, is only a way out of the relationship and not a way in. Check out Chapter Seven in the book. The most difficult challenge in this chapter is doing what we do for our partner or loved one FOR FREE.
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