Monday, June 25, 2012

WHAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK?


Now Bunny and Bear are obviously all growed-up and enjoying an equal and reciprocal relationship!

Last week, we talked about being ALL GROWED-UP in the relationship.  Today, we return to this topic and ask the question, So what is holding me back from being all growed-up in the relationship?  I mean the fact is YOU ARE GROWED-UP.  You are not a kid.  You don’t look like a kid as young as you may appear.  Yes, you are gorgeous, handsome, ready to be on the cover of Cosmopolitan or GQ!  Hey, it is absolutely mawvelous to imagine.  Yes, imagine that!

It is bad enough that you are cheating yourself here by remaining a kid in the relationship.  Worse, you are cheating your spouse out of a healthy relationship, feeding into his or her being satisfied with being in control.  That’s not good for your spouse.  It does not allow him or her to receive anything from you.  Only allows them to take.  That is ultimately not good for them and definitely not for you.

When you catch yourself feeling as if you are about to get into trouble, take note. Then remind yourself that you can’t get into trouble anymore.  Your partner may not understand a particular choice you are making, but if there are no intended purposeful painful consequences to your partner, then it is important to learn how to proceed with your decision.  The fact of the matter is you are an adult, and at times you will make decisions that other adults do not understand or agree with.


For example, you may decide to go to the gym several days a week for your health.  Your partner may feel angry that you “get” to go to the gym or jealous that you are spending time for yourself outside the relationship.  If, in fact, the two of you have so little time together that your relationship is suffering, you do not want to be flippant and simply say, “screw you, I’m going to the gym!”  But neither do you want to back away from your plan to improve your health out of fear of your partner being upset with you.  There is obviously a need for some conversation here to figure out a way to mutually invest more time in the relationship.  And it is true that where there is a will, there is always a way!

So one more time.  Let’s say it out loud together.  I AM ALL GROWED-UP AND CAN’T GET INTO TROUBLE ANYMORE.  Now say out loud how old you actually are.  Let that reality sink in until you feel that grown-up and that mature.  And feel proud of your age! (Page 33).
 

So still without your very own personal copy of the book?  How did that happen?

AMAZON

BARNES & NOBLE

LEAVE A COMMENT HERE OR ON FACEBOOK.

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.  Enjoy your day being and acting ALL GROWED-UP!

Friday, June 22, 2012

THE GOOD FIT COMMITMENT


Today, instead of writing, I thought I would just talk to you!  Enjoy the video.  Let me know what you think either here, on YOU TUBE, or on FACEBOOK

Wanting to purchase a book today?  No?  And why?  A small investiment in your relationship.  One click away.

AMAZON or BARNES & NOBLE

THANKS FOR READING, LISTENING, AND COMMENTING.  AND THANKS FOR PURCHASING YOUR VERY OWN COPY AND THINK ABOUT PURCHASING A BOOK AS A GIFT.

Monday, June 18, 2012

BE AN ADULT IN THE RELATIONSHIP, NOT A KID



We are discussing Chapter Five today.  Know That You Are All Growed-Up.  In the picture above, Bunny and Bear are actually equal.  Bunny just needs to sit up straight, sit tall in other words!  How do you stand or sit?

When I suggest to you ways that you can stand up for yourself and BE an adult in the relationship, your immediate, and I mean IMMEDIATE, response is, “Oh, Jack would get really upset if I said that/did that....Oh, Jill would be really upset if I said that/did that.”  Again, given that there is no domestic violence in the relationship, WHO CARES?  Jack or Jill’s response is irrelevant when it comes to you being a grown-up in the relationship.  If you become absorbed in his or her disapproval or criticism, you will absolutely sustain the illusion that you are just a kid and deserve his or her criticism and anger.   (Page 32).

Do you live in fear perhaps not of being physically abused, but of having to answer to other people all the time, other people who are supposed to be the people you love or are in love with? Do you feel like a kid in your relationships?  And maybe you’re like me, in your sixties?  We are not kids!

Do you have to answer to questions like Where have you been?  Who were you with?  Why do you have to go out in the first place?  What do you need that for?  Why do you need to join that group?   Why did you need to spend that money?


Is your partner physically taller and larger than you?  Do you literally look up to your partner?  And, of course, the other side of the coin, do you have a sense that your partner is always looking down on you?  Putting you down?  Putting you down in front of friends and family?

So the next time you have something really important to discuss with your partner, stand on a stool, a chair, a stair, something to bring you physically in line, in eye level with your partner.  You can watch your partner’s face.  He or she will not like the equality that suddenly exists in the relationship.  As uncomfortable as you might be with the equality, you will definitely like it!


Sometimes, the parent-child elements in the relationship are magnified by one partner being physically bigger.  It is amazing what happens when I have the smaller partner stand on a chair or stool.  Often, that actually brings the two partners together at eye level, sometimes for the first time in their relationship.  Sometimes, it puts the smaller partner towering above the taller partner.  An immediate fear comes over the face of the taller partner as he (most often) is now looking up at his partner for the first time....

Even when there is no obvious size differential, there may still be an unconscious agreement that one partner will look up to or down on the other partner.  This unconscious agreement can be based on one’s history or cultural or religious beliefs about marriage.  The chair exercise helps in these situations, as well, to bring those unconscious agreements into consciousness.....

This simple exercise with the chair or stool really makes the point very quickly and gives the partners a concrete image and experience upon which to redefine their relationship as two adults.  Try it out.  By the way, the chair exercise is a good way to FEEL in your body, what it is like to be both Unequal and EQUAL in a relationship. (Pages 32, 33)

Need a book?  Yes you do.  AMAZON  or BARNES & NOBLE.
THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Leave a comment here or on FACEBOOK.

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY



Father’s Day can be one of those special days filled with special moments.  As Dads, we may automatically assume it is a day the Love of our life is going to make love to us, but it may also be a day when she thinks of all the ways you have not been a father!  OMG!  Yes, give you a break, you say, but I’m just being real here and as men, we gotta be real!

And yes, Sarah.  You are so correct.  Abraham is an old fart, smokes way too much hashish, sits around under palm trees all day long and hears voices which he claims to be God even to the point of telling you, you will conceive a son in your old age.  “Hell, no,” you shout!  But take pity on poor ol’ Abe and give him a little, for crying out loud.

Okay, don’t read this blog ever again.  Hey, I wasn’t posting this blog on Mother’s Day!  But I will write something on your behalf next year!

Well, here is the bottom line, Dad.  You want this to be a special day?  Should have been planning for it to be special about a month ago!  Too late?  Not really, but begin by giving more than you are expecting.  Maybe you might enjoy getting up a little early, get the coffee going, and cook breakfast for everyone.  How about that?

Be extra kind ALL DAY to everyone.  Be solicitous, affectionate, non demanding, no groping.  No, you don’t have to mow the lawn.  But maybe take her to a chic flick in the afternoon!  And NOTICE ALL the little ways she makes love to you all day today even though you have been a jerk lately!

Come on, stop whining.  Hey, you wanna get some tonight?  Then do what I tell ya!

Tomorrow, get together with your Love and talk about how special today was and still is in your memories.  Then ANCHOR this special moment so you can replay this special moment when you seem to be drowning in one of those hopeless moments. 

Still don’t get it?  Read Chapter Seventeen, Anchor Those Special Moments.  And Chapter Seventeen will show you how to anchor.

Leave a comment here or on FACEBOOK.

Need a book?

AMAZON

BARNES & NOBLE

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING AND HAPPY FATHER’S DAY

Saturday, June 16, 2012

THE WAY BACK

Not talking to each other?  Playing the distance game, very distant?  So how do we get back?

If you did some serious sh*t to each other, well, that’s another story.  That might require marital surgery!

BUT most of the time, it's just little sh*t that becomes really annoying and hurtful.  So annoying and so hurtful that it’s like a fire and when the fire is too hot, of course, we move away.  We sleep on the outer mattress ridge.  How do we do that?  Total and Absolute Definance of gravity especially when many of us are carrying around a few extra pounds!  We say more to the dog than we do to each other.  We slam a few doors and make lots of sighing sounds. 

So here is a simple exercise to get BACK into the dance with each other.  Sit on the floor BACK TO BACK and sit there for awhile or for as long as you desire.  BUT try to stay for awhile.  See what it feels like to have each other’s back.  Keep doing this each day, keep coming back, till you find a path (and you will) to go front to front!  This exercise may seem hokey to you especially if you get exquisite pleasure at being distant and even more pleasure out of the pain you see on the other person's face.


But get into the Nike thing.  Just do it.  Love is a decision and this can be one of those decisions.  Don't be a cat about it.  Don't be a Puss!   When you are, you look as ridiculous as a fat cat!

Enjoy!

Please leave a comment here or on FACEBOOK.

Get your personal copy of the book today.
AMAZON
BARNES & NOBLE

Thursday, June 14, 2012

LOOKING FOR A PARTNER?

So you are looking for a partner?  From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi: Gourmet Recipes For A Gourmet Relationship  is a good read for you.  It is packed full of information from a wide variety of perspectives including psychological, spiritual, and even neurobiological.  The initial chapters describe the various kinds of relationships including the ones made in heaven and the ones made in dot.com heaven.

The book is fun and easy to read and provides you a good measure of your personal and relational strengths and limitations thus far in your life.  The book will give you the assessment tools necessary to take a close-up look at who you are as an individual and who you become as a partner.  The book will also help you determine whether or not you behave as an all-growed up person in relationships or persist in being a kid.

Be open to all the book has to offer you.  Being without a partner is a good time for you to take down your defenses with yourself and learn as much as you can about YOU.

The bottom line is not to find the right person, but for you to be the right person.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, CHAPTER FOURTEEN



I have a suggestion.  Well, no, a recommendation for when you fight.  Move close together.  Hold hands even.  Yes, it is unnerving.

If you think there is a threat of physical violence, then by all means, stay far apart, and really take a look at why you are even remaining in the relationship.  Domestic violence does not have to be one of those dirty little secrets.  You just need to be honest with each other and all of your close friends and family members.  Do not connive with each other to keep it a secret.  If there is any hope, the sooner you get the violence out in the open, the better chance of your relationship getting the healing it deserves.  All relationships have their dirty little secrets.  The less a secret the dirty little secret is, the less power it has over your relationship.  Do not hold secrets FOR ANY REASON.

So back to fighting.  When you fight, remain engaged.  Keep eye contact.  Stay focused on the issue at hand.  When there are feelings and needs getting expressed, catch yourselves when you try to shift the focus from your feelings and needs to some criticism of each other or whose way of making the bed, doing the dishes, keeping the garage clean is the best.  We do that kind of weird sh*t, don’t we?

When you fight, above all else, END THE FIGHT.  Too many fights never end.  You make a temporary truce and start again at a later date.  NO GOOD.  OINK OINK OINK.  BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ.  End the fight.  If need be, ask the question, “Did we end the fight?”

If the answer is No, the fight is not over, then you want to talk and talk fast, so to speak, to move the conflict to a place where it is over.  Come to some agreement with each other.  You ARE intelligent enough to do this.  Come to some agreement about what it means that a fight has ended.  And once it is ended, you cannot go back.  The fight is over.  No temporary truce, no demilitarized zones.  The fight is over.

And if you cannot let a fight be over, wow, there is some good stuff for therapy.  Make an appointment NOW!


Get your personal copy at AMAZON or BARNES & NOBLE.  If you like the book, tell others how it helped you, please, and write a review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Also leave a comment here or on FACEBOOK.  THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.

HAVING A BAD DAY?



 So, you are having a bad day.  Who's to blame?  And who's going to get the blame?

Well, how about no one or perhaps no one for a change?

Do I have people in my life whom I can call when I'm having a bad day or a bad moment?  And if the answer is yes, do I tell these folks what I need from them when I call?  So if I'm NOT looking for a solution for all my stupid decisions today, can I tell them, "Hey, I just want to vent.  No advice.  No need to point out anything to me at all.  Just feel sorry for me."

Let's say you are really down in the dumps.  Can you tell the person before you start whining, "Hey, look, I am thinking about killing myself....I am thinking about shooting my husband....I'm thinking about getting drunk and starting a fight with anyone....Hey, I'm thinking about suicide by cop, but I beg you do NOT call the paramedics, the SWAT team, my psychiatrist, my family, just let me do it and take whomever else I might take with me." 

And if you get this far in the conversation, can you dispense with the whining about how bad your life is?

So when you are having a bad day, can you just be totally honest with yourself and with everyone else?  You got yourself in a fix and don't know how to get out of it.  Can you get past all the woes are me, have woes will travel?  Can you just tell us what you need?  You know, to be held, a hug, a kiss, sex, chocolate ice cream, a pat on the back or the ass?  Responding to those needs is so much easier, less costly, and less messy, and generally doable compared to picking up the pieces after you do yourself in, so much easier to give than to have to listen to your whining and your incredible belief that somehow your life is any worse than anyone else's,

Does all this sound a little novel?  Well check out Chapter Seven in the Book:  "Know That Blaming Is A Way Out."

Need a book?  It's on AMAZON and BARNES & NOBLE and at the Paperback Exchange in Yucaipa on California Street just south of Yucaipa Boulevard.  You can also purchase the book at the office.

You can comment here or following a discussion on FACEBOOK.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY AND READING AND COMMENTING.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

LAUGHING OVER SPILLED MILK!

CHAPTER 18

I have a friend who is in a new relationship, and he tells me that he and his newfound love laugh and laugh and laugh hysterically all the time.  He reassures me they have their serious moments, but their relationship is characterized by laughter and having fun together.  He is 68 and she 66.  Isn’t that awesome?

In the past year, I presented a laughter workshop to a group of staff who work together at a treatment center.  The photo is the way I dressed for that day!  YES!

What did we do all day?  We laughed.  We laughed our asses off and by 2:30 in the afternoon, no one could stand up straight from being bent over and laughing so much.  We danced, had a best joke contest, and participated in a zillion laughter games and laughter exercises, and we performed stupid and obvious magic tricks.

What are laughing exercises or a laughter workshop?  Check out YOU TUBE for a first hand see.  This link is just one exampple.  Search for laughter workshops or laughter exercises to see lots of examples.  If you are not laughing after looking at these samples, you gotta a big problem!!

I told the CEO of this organization that he was wasting his money if he was to give the subtle or not so message that he wanted his staff to attend this workshop and get it out of their system, so to speak, and then get back to the job the following day and get down to business.  The workshop would only be beneficial if the CEO understood that he and the organization, as well as the clients served, needed the staff to bring the laughter and the light-heartedness back to the treatment center.

What each of us found that day, including myself as the presenter, and the CEO, is that laughter is a powerfully healing and a powerful leveling experience.  We all laughed and quickly discovered that no one was any better or any smarter or any higher up the IQ chain than anyone else.  The staff realized that they were each and all at the treatment center to do their best and it would serve them and the clients well to stop taking themselves so so seriously.  Ah yes, Rule number six.

What we have just talked about applies equally to our relationship with our special person.

GET YOUR COPY OF THE BOOK TODAY AT AMAZON OR IF YOU ARE A B&N FAN OR MEMBER, at BARNES & NOBLE.

THANKS FOR READING AND LEAVING A COMMENT EITHER HERE OR ON FACEBOOK.

HAVE A WONDER WONDER WONDER FULL OF WONDER SUNDAY, JUNE 10, 2012.
ON THIS SUNDAY, FORGET ABOUT DOING THE "RIGHT" THING, BUT BE RESPONSIBLE AND ACCOUNTABLE.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

RITUALS FOR HEALING AND FORGIVENESS




We can intentionally or even unintentionally hurt each other only slightly, but get so stuck in that “slight” hurt that it festers into an absolutely awful infection and can end up destroying the relationship.  The festering pain is way beyond the original “slight” pain.

On the other hand, I have seen couples who have hurt each other far beyond what is acceptable, yet they each had a desire from some place inside their souls to experience  healing and forgiveness and they did.

Chances are we are going to hurt each other in our relationship.  Regardless of whether it is a little or big hurt, the question is, can we heal?  Will we be willing to heal each other?  Will we be willing to ask or beg for forgiveness and will we be willing to forgive?  Will we eventually be able to let it go?

These are critical questions and Chapter Nineteen, “Rituals For Healing And Forgiveness” addresses these questions.

Some of what is in Chapter Nineteen is based upon a wonderful old book by George Bach and Harold Goldberg called CREATIVE AGGRESSION.  This link is to Amazon and there are a variety of editions available.  I recommend the edition from the late 60's.  It is an interesting and fun book to read and offers very specific and concrete exercises for appropriate expression of anger in a relationship as well as rituals for healing hurt.

There is also an excellent program, called Retrouvaille, for couples who have either ended their relationship or are on the verge of ending their relationship because the pain and the hurt in the relationship is so intense that it has become impossible for them to sustain any kind of healthy life together. 

What is unique about this program is that it was developed by couples, as mentioned above, who had hurt each other deeply but valued their relationship enough to want to heal the relationship.

Here is the Link to Retrouvaille.  Check it out.

Pain, hurt, resentments, all inevitable experiences even in a good relationship.  Many of us never saw our parents working through hurt.  Some of our parents divorced.  Some stayed together but didn’t really live, but only survived.  So most of us have little to draw from in terms of first hand experience when it comes to healing and forgiveness.

If you have a question or comment about healing and forgiveness, post it here or on the Facebook page.

Don’t forget to purchase your personal copy of the book at either AMAZON or BARNES AND NOBLE.

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.

Friday, June 8, 2012

MARRY SOMEONE ALIKE OR DIFFERENT?

Do I marry or enter into relationships with someone or people like myself or folks who are different and how different?

I don’t think it matters.  What does matter is that you really know who you are and what makes you tick and really know who the other person is and what makes them tick.  And then you have to decide.
The OTHER can be exactly like you, but then there may not be room in the relationship for two people the same!  If you are both spenders, for example, you will bankrupt yourselves in a heart beat even a love heartbeat!

If one of you is a neatnik and the other a slob, you can either compliment each other or have on going wars over the cleanliness of the bedroom or the bathroom.  I mean WAR, dirty, nasty, homicidal war!

HERE'S THE RELEVANT QUESTION.  Do you love each other and are you willing to go the distance regardless of your similarities or differences?  Are you willing to work with this other person, work to create a life giving relationship for each other?  Are you both willing to do the hokey things like when you wake up in the morning, turn toward each other and ask, “Will you marry me today?” and unequivocally answer yes to each other EVERY day no matter how you are feeling.

Differences or similarities are irrelevant if you are not able to look at each other each morning and commit and bring life and joy to each other in that commitment.

Want some support in going the distance.  The entire book is available to you on AMAZON or if you are a B & N fan BARNES & NOBLE.

If you live in Yucaipa, the book is available at the Paperback Exchange on California Street just south of Yucaipa Blvd or stop by the office.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE

So the bottom line is simple.  Tarzan and Jane are different.  People in general are different.  At times, we speak different languages.  Not just a different verbal language, but a different emotional language as well.

So the Jane says “Tarzan, I have something I want to share with you.”  She begins to tell Tarzan about an awful situation.  Tarzan immediately tunes into his protector and problem solver mode.  So he is going to fix it by punching out the kid or person or Orangutan who disrespected her.  Or give her a lesson or two about swinging too fast through the trees.  Oh, and of course, tell her to quit crying over spilled coconut milk.  Tarzan, like many men become suicidal occasionally, and if he’s not conscious of that, he will be surprised when Jane tries to kill him.

But the responsibility also rests with Jane because maybe she can learn that Tarzan is not going to listen like her girlfriends do unless she and Tarzan talk about this and work at it for awhile.

When Jane wears a sexy dress with her boobs hanging out, of course Tarzan thinks she wants to have sex all day, and she thought she was just being a little stylish and a little out there.  He thinks a LOT out there.  He can’t figure out why she is upset with him groping her all day, and she can’t figure out why he won’t stop and why he treats her like a sex object.

But the responsibility also rest with Tarzan because this has been going on for years.  He’s got to know that he is having a HARD time getting the correct message, if there is one.  So maybe it’s time for him to start a conversation and don’t say, as a guy, I don’t start conversations with women.  Of course, you don’t and that’s why you’re reading this blog or not!  Initiate a conversation for crying out loud.  “Hey, Jane, so when you dress all sexy like that, what do you want from me and what don’t you want from me?  I really don’t want to treat you like a sex object.  I just love ya when you dress sexy.  It turns me on.  It makes me want to fly in the air and all over you.”

Jane and Tarzan’s emotions are not communicating because they are speaking a different emotional language.  So once again, we are different.  But at age 86, Jane might be thrilled he is groping her boobs or on the other hand, if she and Tarzan never address these differences, she might wonder what the hell is wrong with him and when will he fall out of a tree and die! 

At age eighty six, Tarzan might be really happy just to listen because he is tired of being King of the Jungle and Mr. Fixit.  He might even be able to get away with dozing off while Jane is talking because it will appear he is listening.  He just can’t snore!  On on the other hand, if Tarzan never addresses these differences, he will stupidly say something like, “Jane, you’re going to your grave never having learned!”  And then he will find himself in the grave.  You know, poison in his morning coconut milk or coffee or evening Jungle scotch!

But why wait till you are too tired to care anymore?  Or why wait till you kill each other?  Let’s begin working today at understanding each other’s emotional language.  And remember rule number six, don’t take it all so personally! 

Get your copy of the book today on AMAZON.  Or if you are a Barnes & Noble Fan, BARNES & NOBLE,

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING AND THANKS FOR PURCHASING THE BOOK.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A HEFTY SELF WORTH

Good Morning, Good Wednesday Morning!

Today, we are going to look at SELF WORTH .  When we talk about SELF WORTH, we are not referring to self esteem.  Sometimes, these terms are used synonymously, but they have very different meanings and are used in conversation very differently.

Self esteem is used in the context of performance or achievement.  So we say things like, "It'd really give his self esteem a boost if he got a hit right now....if he got a decent grade in that class....if he landed a lucrative job....if he got picked for the chorus....if he danced the routine without falling....if he won the race....if he sold some of his art work today at the show....."

These statements are about performance and achievement.  They say nothing about the person's inner innate worth that is ALWAYS there to be tapped into.  It is the place where God lives and is not at all dependent upon performance, money, job, grades, dating the prom queen, getting a promotion or any other achievement.

Self worth is that place inside where I know I am somebody just because.  I really know I have absolute worth even at those moments of great loss.  Self worth never diminishes, never goes away.

I can forget I have self worth and I can feel worthless, but the self worth itself is always there.  We are always priceless even when we don't feel priceless.

So when I am totally connected to my inner value, my inner worth, I will find a way to see and recognize your differences, accept them, and love you for your differences.  When I get disconnected from my inner worth, other people's differences scare me to death, to the point I just might see them as FOREIGN and as dangerous, as someone I need to go to war with, as someone I need to wipe out.

HOW SAD IS THAT?  But think about it on a smaller scale, like divorce or ending a perfectly good friendship.

IT'S ALL  ON PAGE 62 and if you haven't purchased a book yet, do it.
AMAZON or BARNES & NOBLE.  If you live locally (Yucaipa, California), check out the Paperback Exchange on California Street or purchase at the office.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY TO READ AND COMMENT.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

COMPLIMENTARITY

Sometimes wise folks tell us that men and women compliment each other as to their personality types.  Whether or not this is, in fact true, as human beings, we have the ability to CHOOSE to see it that way (Page 61).

Now that is an interesting notion, right?  So if you are neat freak, and I am a slob, we can choose to see us as complimentary.  Or we can see us as incompatible.  The choice is ours.  Think about it.

If we allow ourselves to remain connected to the initial good energy that brought us together, we can choose to see all of our differences as complimentary.  Think about it some more.

Now one more thing to ponder.  We only get annoyed with our loved one's differences when they somehow or another seemingly cause us pain or create pain in the relationship.  Now that is assuming that something outside of you can cause you pain, but otherwise, we are enthralled with our partner's differences.

What's your take?  Leave a comment.

Ready to buy a copy of the book for your very own?  BARNES & NOBLE or AMAZON.  If you live locally, stop by the office.  THANKS FOR READING AND THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

THE COMPATIBILITY MYTH

Hey, it's Monday morning.  Imagine that?  Ugh for some and Yippee for others!   Yeah, we're all strange in our own rite (or is it right?).

Are we compatible?  I think many folks ask that question when they are not sure if they want to commit to a relationship or when the going gets tough and they want to find a justifiable way out.

I will not get extreme on you and say compatibility is bunk, but I think it is highly overrated and shifts the focus away from what the conflict is all about.  Basically, conflict is about needs and learning how to respond to the other's needs.  Once we learn how to do that, the issue of compatibility becomes an interesting point to explore, but in the bottom line it may also be a mute point.

I've heard some folks talk about being evenly yoked.  I think people can be evenly yoked but incompatible as all get out.

When you find someone you love who is incompatible with your personality, yes, you got some questions to ask and some work to do if you choose to pursue.  But don't throw in the towel over compatibility or incompatibility.

Let's take yesterday's example of the party.  One of you wants to stay until the party is over and then some.  One of you wants the heck out of there after 20 minutes.  So the seemingly incompatible difference between the Extravert and Intravert.

SOLUTION:  Acknowledge your differences RESPECTFULLY.  Talk about them so that each of you is familiar with the other person's trait.  Talk about it NOT from the perspective of one of you is a party animal and the other a party pooper.  Talk about it from the perspective of energy.  Acknowledge and accept that one of you gains energy exponentially as the party revs up, and one of you loses energy exponentially as the part drags on.

SO BE RESPONSIVE TO EACH OTHER'S NEEDS.  The party animal could consider remaining physically close to his or her partner.  The party animal could consider taking a time out with his or her partner:  a walk around the parking lot or the block if it's a safe neighborhood, or just moseying to a "private" or "secluded" spot periodically.  For the Intravert, let yourself feel free to recoup in the bathroom periodically even if you don't have to go.  At a party, no one is counting!

SO ENJOY EACH OTHER'S DIFFERENCES THE WAY YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING.

Purchase your copy of the book at BARNES AND NOBLE or AMAZON .

THANKS FOR READING TODAY AND THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  IT'S AN EASY WAY TO CONTRIBUTE TO WORLD PEACE.  I AM SERIOUS!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

MORE MAWVELOUS DIFFERENCES

Hey, it is a Sunday morning.  As good as time as any to talk some more about our Mawvelous Differences, Dawlin'!  So let's talk about E's and I's.

Some of us are EXTRAVERTS.  Some of us are INTRAVERTS.  Some of us are just plain crazy!  But that's for another blog.

These are inherited personality traits and represent our preferred mode TO BE in the world.

CHECK THIS OUT.  THIS IS IMPORTANT.

EXTRAVERTS GAIN energy when they are around people.
INTRAVERTS LOSE energy when they are around people and sometimes after only 20 minutes or so!

So think about it.  How can you work with these different inherited traits in each other?  You want to stay at the party till it ends and then some, and he or she is ready to go home way too early for you.  And no, you are NOT going to do the "WELL YOU DO YOUR THING I WILL DO MINE"  That's left over sh*t from the 60's and we don't need to go back there, at least not for this one!

No we are going to figure out to dance with these differences, a way that enhances the relationship and your time TOGETHER at the party!  CHECK BACK TOMORROW.

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THANKS FOR FOLLOWING THIS BLOG.  THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  IT IS THE SIMPLEST BUT THE MOST EXCITING WAY TO BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE.  PEACE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE A PEBBLE IN THE WATER.  YES RIPPLE EFFECT.  YES, I DO BELIEVE THAT.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

CHAPTER NINE: MAWVELOUS DIFFERENCES

     In the words of Billy Crystal, "you are mawvelous, Dawlin'"  And not only are you "mawvelous," but you are very different from me.  The mawvelous differences are what make you and I an US, and an US different from any other US in the world. The mawvelous differences are what draw us together and what we find attractive about each other.  And yes, they also become the sore spots and what drive us apart at some point.  How does that happen?

     It is probably less important to understand the phenomenon but more important to have an awareness of the phenomenon so we can enjoy the phenomenon instead of having a knee jerk reaction to it.  Like "O my God, how can you....?   O my God, how could you....?"

    So I love you dearly Dawlin'.  You are so easy going, never uptight.  Nothing ever seems to rattle you.  You really go with the flow.  And you told me you love me because I am so traditional, so clear about what I like and don't like, so clear about what is right for me and what is wrong for me.

     And after a few years, you, Dawlin' are not only easy going, but lackadaisical.  What was it?  Three bills paid late this month.  Yes, I know, the electricity never got shut off, but still.  And we always get to the movies after the lights go out and yes, we are never late for the feature movie, but still, I'd prefer to get there in time to see where we are sitting and have enough time to calmly get some popcorn and drinks and have enough time for a jaunt to the men's room without having to run up and down the stairs! 

     And yes, I know, you are getting upset with how rigid I am at times, how uptight I get over little things, and how critical I am of your ways of doing the dishes or even putting a stamp on an envelope.  Well, I just don't think the stamp is supposed to be upside down!   And I don't know what to say about the bed.  I just like to crawl into a made bed at night instead of crawling into a mish mash pile of sheets and blankets where we are both grabbing like kids for our share of the bedding!

     Yes, mawvelous differences.  They can be endearing or triggers.  And yes, they are enduring!

     Enjoy sharing with each other your mawvelous differences, laugh about them and cry about them as well if you need to and forgive each other for being mawvelously different if that is necessary as well.

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