Bob recently told me “At times, a phone call from a woman colleague will trigger jealousy for my honey. It may seem ridiculous to me and also annoying because I don't do anything consciously or on purpose to trigger her jealousy, so I remind myself not to react or overreact and instead to simply reassure her that she is the love of my life. There is no other. But oddly enough, I actually get a little excited when she gets jealousy because it's just another reassurance, in a funny sort of way, that she really does love me."
Then I asked him, "So do you have some doubts whether or not she loves you?"
Bob thought for a moment and said, "Not really. I mean, I suppose I have as many questions about my lovableness as anyone, but I consciously work on that. You know, if I don't think I am lovable, why should she? So whether or not I think I am lovable is totally separate from whether or not she loves me, and the fact is she shows me in all kinds of little and big ways that she loves me, and in my rational mind, there are no doubts about it."
Isn’t that interesting? So the key here is he is aware of where he stands with himself about his lovableness, and at the same time has no doubts that she loves him. So what happens if he gets lost in his own estimation that he is not lovable and then on top of it, doubts that she loves him.
Ah! More interesting. Her jealousy will feel controlling and constantly trigger his insecurity. Wow! Think about this and talk about it with each other.
Sometimes, when one or both of you are expressing a lot of jealousy and trying to control the other person's activities, it may be an indicator that there is a BIG ONE in the relationship, a BIG ONE that you both chose to bury and the BIG ONE, as can be predicted, has finally buried you.
So what is a BIG ONE? A Big One is one of those over-the-top events in your relationship that you both chose not to deal with for whatever "good" or not-so-good reason.
So check out both Chapter 16 “The Big One,” and Chapter 19, “Rituals For Healing and Forgiveness.”
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