CONSENSUS NOT COMPROMISE

NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE FROM YESTERDAY'S PICTURE OF

 THE ONE ROCK, THE ROCK WHO WON!

 When we compromise in a relationship, we give in a little with the expectation that the other will give in a little as well.  It is not unusual that the other person does not give in a little as expected or they say they did, but in reality, they did not budge.  And even if they do give in a little, it becomes score keeping.  I compromised on this, and it’s your turn to compromise on that.  This kind of bartering is hardly “promising mutually” which is the root meaning of compromise.

Trying to fit compromise into a personal and or intimate relationship has a way of transforming the parties in the relationship into “countries” or prospective enemies especially if they can’t reach a so-called co-promise.

So when it comes to conflict and differences, we want to aim for and actually reach what is known as CONSENSUS.

You know, there is something really beautiful and artistic about consensus.  In consensus (feeling with), you are not required to reach agreement.  You begin “dancing” with your partner’s plan and you begin recognizing and identifying what you can live with in each other’s “plan” or desire or expectation or need.  And then you make a decision, FREE OF CHARGE, to respond to the other person’s wishes within that context, the context of what you can live with.  So it is not all or nothing.  It IS what I can live with.

Just a few examples: Yes, I can live with us giving Johnny some consequences.  I cannot live with you spanking him....Yes, I want very much to go on a cruise.  Let’s do with it.  And given what we have been going through financially, I just can’t live with us going first class....I want to make love to you, I enjoy making love to you and I can’t live with making love after nine o’clock....  The examples are endless, so fill them in for yourselves, and enjoy consensus.  There is no score to keep. 


Check out the final chapter of the book, “The Dance.”


So what do you think?  Leave a comment here or on FACEBOOK or TWITTER

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THANKS FOR READING, COMMENTING, AND INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

COMPETITION: DOES IT FIT IN A RELATIONSHIP?

SORRY, BEING A WINNER DOESN'T ROCK!  WINNING IN THE RELATIONSHIP IS PRETTY LONELY!

Is your relationship one big competition, one big game where one or both of you are always trying to win?  Win what?  Yes, that is a good question.  There really isn’t anything to win and everything to lose (Chapter Eight, The Stalemate).

But let’s be realistic for a moment.  You like to win those arguments, doncha?   You like to control the outcome of questions and decisions, Yes?  Be honest!

Where we will go for vacation?  When and how often will we make love?  How and on what will we spend our “extra” money or how we will spend money, period?  Yes, the list goes on and on.  How to or not to discipline the kids is often a "bigee."

Remember, when your need to win wraps around these important issues, someone always ends up being a loser, and in fact the relationship loses for sure.  And some one becomes a control freak and someone builds a tower of resentments.

And do not shift from competition to compromise.  Compromise is a myth in my book.  There really is no such thing as compromise--promising mutually.  A compromise is never mutual.  Well, it is mutual in this sense.  You both agree that someone wins and someone loses!  What a deal, uh?

In short, we want to learn something called consensus which is much much different than compromise.  So check out tomorrow’s post.  See you there.


Leave a comment here, on FACEBOOK or TWITTER.

Purchase your own copy of the book today or purchase one for a friend.
AMAZON OR BARNES AND NOBLE.


THANKS FOR READING, COMMENTING, AND INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

PDA PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION

So where do you stand on Public Displays of Affection and where does your partner or lover stand?  Do you ever talk about it and if not, why not?

Perhaps it is not an issue in your relationship, and you are both very comfortable with expressing your affection for each other whenever and wherever.  Or perhaps there just isn’t much affection between the two of you so it doesn’t really matter whether it’s a public display or not.  Well, whatever the case, talk about it with each other.  In fact, you both could be making assumptions about the other person’s preferences and both be dead wrong.

I was sitting at a small table in a coffee shop, with a couple yesterday for several hours.  The husband was sitting next to me.  We both had our laptops in front of us, and he was walking me through the in’s and out’s of twitter and buffer.  Throughout the several hours that the three of us were sitting there, from time to time, he would stand up and lean forward and invite her to kiss him.  No, he never leaned to the right to kiss me and that was really okay!  But I was touched by this spontaneous and reoccurring “move” on his part.  My interpretation?  Well, even though he was sitting relatively close to her and they actually live together, he just could not get enough of her.  And she was very receptive each time, no hesitation.  I thought, “Wow!”

So that relationship is alive, really alive.  And you can tell it’s alive by observing them, and they can tell it’s alive by their experience of their relationship.

Yes, this is one of those areas where typically one person enjoys public display of affection and one person does not.  So check out the chapter nine, “Mawvelous Differences” and, for heaven’s sake talk about this with one another.

Not always, but typically the guy is hesitant or shy or too “macho” to respond to much public display of affection.  So, guys, just give it up.  PDA goes a long long long way.  Be thinking about when your 86 and needing your diaper changed!