Friday, July 6, 2012
JUST CAN'T JUMP ANY HIGHER?
“We’re just very unhappy....I’m miserable. I just don’t want to go on like this....we just don’t get along....not sure why we ever got together. It seemed like there was something there....we either don’t talk at all or we fight and we fight about EVERYTHING....but you start it....and you do a pretty good job of finishing it....you got to be right about everything. You just can’t let something go....you keep bringing up sh-t that happened years ago....it’s just too painful to keep going on like this....” (Page eight).
Does this sound familiar? Of course it does. It is a place that perhaps is inevitable to get to. Even the most experienced hiker or mountain climber or marathon runner can hit a wall and wonder, "what was I (we) thinking of?"
So you have many options at this point. One thing for sure, we can stop trying to jump higher.
We can stop trying to make the other person happy and begin taking responsibility for our own happiness. That doesn't mean we have to abandon our partner, and not care about our partner's happiness, but we become clear what our place is in our partner's life. Our partner is responsible for his or her happiness.
There is always an option to "opt out." It is true that sometimes we reach a point of "terrible" clarity. Our relationship was perhaps doomed from the start. We chose to engage for all the "wrong" reasons. The toxicity we each bring to the relationship makes it impossible for a healthy relationship to develop and then grow. It's not about either one of us being bad people. It's about the crap we bring to the relationship which we are each responsible for sorting out, healing, and in some cases taking to the local dump to be discarded and buried.
But even in this case, sometimes there is something inside of us that drives us to stay together for all the right reasons.
Whatever wall we find ourselves at, something has to happen, something has to give. At rock bottom, we each need to make a decision to grow up and be the grown up individuals that we are, which will entail letting go of a lot of pain, a lot of history, a lot of blame, and begin a healing journey together. By letting go, I do not mean to just forget or bury or pretend it never happened. It is more a weaving process, weaving into the fabric of my life and weaving into the fabric of our relationship all the lose threads, the snags, and the broken threads.
It is a doable journey, quite doable. There are a lot of resources out there including this book.
So check it out. On the book's website, you can actually download sample chapters from the book to see just how helpful it will be for your journey. In the meantime, breathe again. Your life is not over. Your relationship is not over. It may be over as you have experienced it up to this point, but that is probably a good thing, a relief. It was killing both of you and it doesn't have to do that any longer.
In some ways, the book is a cook book. So Bon Appetite.
The book is available on AMAZON and BARNES AND NOBLE.
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Thanks for reading, commenting, and investing in your relationship.