RITUALS FOR HEALING AND FORGIVENESS

We can intentionally or even unintentionally hurt each other only slightly, but get so stuck in that “slight” hurt that it festers into an absolutely awful infection and can end up destroying the relationship.  The festering pain is way beyond the original “slight” pain.

On the other hand, I have seen couples who have hurt each other far beyond what is acceptable, yet they each had a desire from some place inside their souls to experience  healing and forgiveness and they did.

Chances are we are going to hurt each other in our relationship.  Regardless of whether it is a little or big hurt, the question is, can we heal?  Will we be willing to heal each other?  Will we be willing to ask or beg for forgiveness and will we be willing to forgive?  Will we eventually be able to let it go?

These are critical questions and Chapter Nineteen, “Rituals For Healing And Forgiveness” addresses these questions.

Some of what is in Chapter Nineteen is based upon a wonderful old book by George Bach and Harold Goldberg called CREATIVE AGGRESSION.  This link is to Amazon and there are a variety of editions available.  I recommend the edition from the late 60's.  It is an interesting and fun book to read and offers very specific and concrete exercises for appropriate expression of anger in a relationship as well as rituals for healing hurt.

There is also an excellent program, called Retrouvaille, for couples who have either ended their relationship or are on the verge of ending their relationship because the pain and the hurt in the relationship is so intense that it has become impossible for them to sustain any kind of healthy life together. 

What is unique about this program is that it was developed by couples, as mentioned above, who had hurt each other deeply but valued their relationship enough to want to heal the relationship.

Here is the Link to Retrouvaille.  Check it out.

Pain, hurt, resentments, all inevitable experiences even in a good relationship.  Many of us never saw our parents working through hurt.  Some of our parents divorced.  Some stayed together but didn’t really live, but only survived.  So most of us have little to draw from in terms of first hand experience when it comes to healing and forgiveness.

If you have a question or comment about healing and forgiveness, post it here or on the Facebook page.

Don’t forget to purchase your personal copy of the book at either AMAZON or BARNES AND NOBLE.

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING.

MARRY SOMEONE ALIKE OR DIFFERENT?

Do I marry or enter into relationships with someone or people like myself or folks who are different and how different?

I don’t think it matters.  What does matter is that you really know who you are and what makes you tick and really know who the other person is and what makes them tick.  And then you have to decide.
The OTHER can be exactly like you, but then there may not be room in the relationship for two people the same!  If you are both spenders, for example, you will bankrupt yourselves in a heart beat even a love heartbeat!

If one of you is a neatnik and the other a slob, you can either compliment each other or have on going wars over the cleanliness of the bedroom or the bathroom.  I mean WAR, dirty, nasty, homicidal war!

HERE'S THE RELEVANT QUESTION.  Do you love each other and are you willing to go the distance regardless of your similarities or differences?  Are you willing to work with this other person, work to create a life giving relationship for each other?  Are you both willing to do the hokey things like when you wake up in the morning, turn toward each other and ask, “Will you marry me today?” and unequivocally answer yes to each other EVERY day no matter how you are feeling.

Differences or similarities are irrelevant if you are not able to look at each other each morning and commit and bring life and joy to each other in that commitment.

Want some support in going the distance.  The entire book is available to you on AMAZON or if you are a B & N fan BARNES & NOBLE.

If you live in Yucaipa, the book is available at the Paperback Exchange on California Street just south of Yucaipa Blvd or stop by the office.

EMOTIONAL LANGUAGE

So the bottom line is simple.  Tarzan and Jane are different.  People in general are different.  At times, we speak different languages.  Not just a different verbal language, but a different emotional language as well.

So the Jane says “Tarzan, I have something I want to share with you.”  She begins to tell Tarzan about an awful situation.  Tarzan immediately tunes into his protector and problem solver mode.  So he is going to fix it by punching out the kid or person or Orangutan who disrespected her.  Or give her a lesson or two about swinging too fast through the trees.  Oh, and of course, tell her to quit crying over spilled coconut milk.  Tarzan, like many men become suicidal occasionally, and if he’s not conscious of that, he will be surprised when Jane tries to kill him.

But the responsibility also rests with Jane because maybe she can learn that Tarzan is not going to listen like her girlfriends do unless she and Tarzan talk about this and work at it for awhile.

When Jane wears a sexy dress with her boobs hanging out, of course Tarzan thinks she wants to have sex all day, and she thought she was just being a little stylish and a little out there.  He thinks a LOT out there.  He can’t figure out why she is upset with him groping her all day, and she can’t figure out why he won’t stop and why he treats her like a sex object.

But the responsibility also rest with Tarzan because this has been going on for years.  He’s got to know that he is having a HARD time getting the correct message, if there is one.  So maybe it’s time for him to start a conversation and don’t say, as a guy, I don’t start conversations with women.  Of course, you don’t and that’s why you’re reading this blog or not!  Initiate a conversation for crying out loud.  “Hey, Jane, so when you dress all sexy like that, what do you want from me and what don’t you want from me?  I really don’t want to treat you like a sex object.  I just love ya when you dress sexy.  It turns me on.  It makes me want to fly in the air and all over you.”

Jane and Tarzan’s emotions are not communicating because they are speaking a different emotional language.  So once again, we are different.  But at age 86, Jane might be thrilled he is groping her boobs or on the other hand, if she and Tarzan never address these differences, she might wonder what the hell is wrong with him and when will he fall out of a tree and die! 

At age eighty six, Tarzan might be really happy just to listen because he is tired of being King of the Jungle and Mr. Fixit.  He might even be able to get away with dozing off while Jane is talking because it will appear he is listening.  He just can’t snore!  On on the other hand, if Tarzan never addresses these differences, he will stupidly say something like, “Jane, you’re going to your grave never having learned!”  And then he will find himself in the grave.  You know, poison in his morning coconut milk or coffee or evening Jungle scotch!

But why wait till you are too tired to care anymore?  Or why wait till you kill each other?  Let’s begin working today at understanding each other’s emotional language.  And remember rule number six, don’t take it all so personally! 

Get your copy of the book today on AMAZON.  Or if you are a Barnes & Noble Fan, BARNES & NOBLE,

THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING AND THANKS FOR PURCHASING THE BOOK.

A HEFTY SELF WORTH

Good Morning, Good Wednesday Morning!

Today, we are going to look at SELF WORTH .  When we talk about SELF WORTH, we are not referring to self esteem.  Sometimes, these terms are used synonymously, but they have very different meanings and are used in conversation very differently.

Self esteem is used in the context of performance or achievement.  So we say things like, "It'd really give his self esteem a boost if he got a hit right now....if he got a decent grade in that class....if he landed a lucrative job....if he got picked for the chorus....if he danced the routine without falling....if he won the race....if he sold some of his art work today at the show....."

These statements are about performance and achievement.  They say nothing about the person's inner innate worth that is ALWAYS there to be tapped into.  It is the place where God lives and is not at all dependent upon performance, money, job, grades, dating the prom queen, getting a promotion or any other achievement.

Self worth is that place inside where I know I am somebody just because.  I really know I have absolute worth even at those moments of great loss.  Self worth never diminishes, never goes away.

I can forget I have self worth and I can feel worthless, but the self worth itself is always there.  We are always priceless even when we don't feel priceless.

So when I am totally connected to my inner value, my inner worth, I will find a way to see and recognize your differences, accept them, and love you for your differences.  When I get disconnected from my inner worth, other people's differences scare me to death, to the point I just might see them as FOREIGN and as dangerous, as someone I need to go to war with, as someone I need to wipe out.

HOW SAD IS THAT?  But think about it on a smaller scale, like divorce or ending a perfectly good friendship.

IT'S ALL  ON PAGE 62 and if you haven't purchased a book yet, do it.
AMAZON or BARNES & NOBLE.  If you live locally (Yucaipa, California), check out the Paperback Exchange on California Street or purchase at the office.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY TO READ AND COMMENT.

COMPLIMENTARITY

Sometimes wise folks tell us that men and women compliment each other as to their personality types.  Whether or not this is, in fact true, as human beings, we have the ability to CHOOSE to see it that way (Page 61).

Now that is an interesting notion, right?  So if you are neat freak, and I am a slob, we can choose to see us as complimentary.  Or we can see us as incompatible.  The choice is ours.  Think about it.

If we allow ourselves to remain connected to the initial good energy that brought us together, we can choose to see all of our differences as complimentary.  Think about it some more.

Now one more thing to ponder.  We only get annoyed with our loved one's differences when they somehow or another seemingly cause us pain or create pain in the relationship.  Now that is assuming that something outside of you can cause you pain, but otherwise, we are enthralled with our partner's differences.

What's your take?  Leave a comment.

Ready to buy a copy of the book for your very own?  BARNES & NOBLE or AMAZON.  If you live locally, stop by the office.  THANKS FOR READING AND THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 

THE COMPATIBILITY MYTH

Hey, it's Monday morning.  Imagine that?  Ugh for some and Yippee for others!   Yeah, we're all strange in our own rite (or is it right?).

Are we compatible?  I think many folks ask that question when they are not sure if they want to commit to a relationship or when the going gets tough and they want to find a justifiable way out.

I will not get extreme on you and say compatibility is bunk, but I think it is highly overrated and shifts the focus away from what the conflict is all about.  Basically, conflict is about needs and learning how to respond to the other's needs.  Once we learn how to do that, the issue of compatibility becomes an interesting point to explore, but in the bottom line it may also be a mute point.

I've heard some folks talk about being evenly yoked.  I think people can be evenly yoked but incompatible as all get out.

When you find someone you love who is incompatible with your personality, yes, you got some questions to ask and some work to do if you choose to pursue.  But don't throw in the towel over compatibility or incompatibility.

Let's take yesterday's example of the party.  One of you wants to stay until the party is over and then some.  One of you wants the heck out of there after 20 minutes.  So the seemingly incompatible difference between the Extravert and Intravert.

SOLUTION:  Acknowledge your differences RESPECTFULLY.  Talk about them so that each of you is familiar with the other person's trait.  Talk about it NOT from the perspective of one of you is a party animal and the other a party pooper.  Talk about it from the perspective of energy.  Acknowledge and accept that one of you gains energy exponentially as the party revs up, and one of you loses energy exponentially as the part drags on.

SO BE RESPONSIVE TO EACH OTHER'S NEEDS.  The party animal could consider remaining physically close to his or her partner.  The party animal could consider taking a time out with his or her partner:  a walk around the parking lot or the block if it's a safe neighborhood, or just moseying to a "private" or "secluded" spot periodically.  For the Intravert, let yourself feel free to recoup in the bathroom periodically even if you don't have to go.  At a party, no one is counting!

SO ENJOY EACH OTHER'S DIFFERENCES THE WAY YOU DID IN THE BEGINNING.

Purchase your copy of the book at BARNES AND NOBLE or AMAZON .

THANKS FOR READING TODAY AND THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  IT'S AN EASY WAY TO CONTRIBUTE TO WORLD PEACE.  I AM SERIOUS!

MORE MAWVELOUS DIFFERENCES

Hey, it is a Sunday morning.  As good as time as any to talk some more about our Mawvelous Differences, Dawlin'!  So let's talk about E's and I's.

Some of us are EXTRAVERTS.  Some of us are INTRAVERTS.  Some of us are just plain crazy!  But that's for another blog.

These are inherited personality traits and represent our preferred mode TO BE in the world.

CHECK THIS OUT.  THIS IS IMPORTANT.

EXTRAVERTS GAIN energy when they are around people.
INTRAVERTS LOSE energy when they are around people and sometimes after only 20 minutes or so!

So think about it.  How can you work with these different inherited traits in each other?  You want to stay at the party till it ends and then some, and he or she is ready to go home way too early for you.  And no, you are NOT going to do the "WELL YOU DO YOUR THING I WILL DO MINE"  That's left over sh*t from the 60's and we don't need to go back there, at least not for this one!

No we are going to figure out to dance with these differences, a way that enhances the relationship and your time TOGETHER at the party!  CHECK BACK TOMORROW.

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THANKS FOR FOLLOWING THIS BLOG.  THANKS FOR INVESTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  IT IS THE SIMPLEST BUT THE MOST EXCITING WAY TO BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE.  PEACE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE A PEBBLE IN THE WATER.  YES RIPPLE EFFECT.  YES, I DO BELIEVE THAT.