CONSENSUS NOT COMPROMISE

NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE FROM YESTERDAY'S PICTURE OF

 THE ONE ROCK, THE ROCK WHO WON!

 When we compromise in a relationship, we give in a little with the expectation that the other will give in a little as well.  It is not unusual that the other person does not give in a little as expected or they say they did, but in reality, they did not budge.  And even if they do give in a little, it becomes score keeping.  I compromised on this, and it’s your turn to compromise on that.  This kind of bartering is hardly “promising mutually” which is the root meaning of compromise.

Trying to fit compromise into a personal and or intimate relationship has a way of transforming the parties in the relationship into “countries” or prospective enemies especially if they can’t reach a so-called co-promise.

So when it comes to conflict and differences, we want to aim for and actually reach what is known as CONSENSUS.

You know, there is something really beautiful and artistic about consensus.  In consensus (feeling with), you are not required to reach agreement.  You begin “dancing” with your partner’s plan and you begin recognizing and identifying what you can live with in each other’s “plan” or desire or expectation or need.  And then you make a decision, FREE OF CHARGE, to respond to the other person’s wishes within that context, the context of what you can live with.  So it is not all or nothing.  It IS what I can live with.

Just a few examples: Yes, I can live with us giving Johnny some consequences.  I cannot live with you spanking him....Yes, I want very much to go on a cruise.  Let’s do with it.  And given what we have been going through financially, I just can’t live with us going first class....I want to make love to you, I enjoy making love to you and I can’t live with making love after nine o’clock....  The examples are endless, so fill them in for yourselves, and enjoy consensus.  There is no score to keep. 


Check out the final chapter of the book, “The Dance.”


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