You gotta stop making us ALL look bad. Now if you bought her a vacuum cleaner last year.... You didn't really did you? Come on. And you wonder why you haven't gotten any? Come on, get a grip! Okay, so you got her the vacuum last year. This year, DO NOT, DO NOT, get her a set of steak knives or any kind of cutlery or scissors. Don't even think chainsaw, even if she does like to trim the hedges and the trees. She will go after only one kind of wood this years. YOURS.
AND DO NOT say to her, "Honey, you know I am not the romantic type." You're suicidal, you idiot. Tell her you're not the romantic type now or anywhere near or after Valentine's Day, and you might as well tell her you can't stand sex because you will not have sex until Mother's Day when you will get another shot at being romantic and getting her an exciting gift.
Look, Lent does not begin until March 09, and if you keep talking this ignorant male BS, your Lent is going to start today.
ONE MORE THING. CHANGE, you idiot. Don't tell me you can't because I saw you practicing on the trapeze bar in the backyard trying to get your body flexible enough to do those wild positions that are absolutely impossible except for double jointed midgets and very very very skinny people. It is all fake. Do not believe a thing you see or you will die trying. But notice what you are willing to put yourself through for a muscle cramp. So yeah, you can find the motivation to change. And a big help in this department here is the book, From The Frying Pan To The Jacuzzi. Buy it NOW. There is still time. And if you live anywhere in Southern California, call me to make an appointment and give that as a gift as well. 951-440-9417.
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